Quite often with mood disorders, whether they be PMDD, Bipolar or Panic disorder there is an overwhelming compulsion to run away, and it has very serious implications for the sufferer. When I began writing 'I blame the Hormones', my own issues were so serious that I was running away regularly, often several times a month, and it left my family confused and terrified as they worried for my safety and state of mind. In actual fact, looking at my history, from a very young age I was often bailing out when the going got tough. This is what psychologists call 'a life long coping pattern' with my 'flight or flight ' system highly activated through no fault of my own.
So what exactly was I running away from? And why does this happen so often? Why are so many of us feeling the need to run away?
Speaking to many sufferers, mostly women, but also rarely some men, I'm kind of figuring it out and there's often a common theme amongst us, and that is, the dreaded 'mental chatter'. Here's a scene which I remember, have documented in my book, and is all too common with us sufferers.
A normal evening in my home is where I'm cooking dinner and I'm in the chatter zone with a relentless dialogue and commentary in my head. I'm pre-menstrual and every sound is heightened, magnified even, and it is continuously interrupting my train of thought. As it builds, I hold my ears closed as it is now becoming a physical pain. Gradually I start to feel suffocated, claustrophobic and almost immediately everything is out of control. The door knocks, the phones are ringing, the children are asking me questions and I am keyed up, on edge and ready to blow! The life sounds around me are too much, my breathing is shallow and I begin to tremble. Now, we've all had those scenarios, but the situation is different if you have an emotional disorder because its now magnified ten-fold, actually twenty-fold.
The mental chatter has now become an incessant dialogue of judgment, likes, dislikes and sheer rage at the outside world. Hatred fills every fibre of my being and I feel physical violence and an outburst is brewing. Recovery for me is now too late and I know it, as my body fills with adrenaline and cortisol. The thoughts are now speeding up, getting faster and faster and my head is filled with tension which is now reacting with my body. In fact I am no longer in the room at all as I am fully engaged with what is going on in my mind with an onslaught of mental movies even, and a tremendous sense of impending doom. I simply have to get out and that is that, I run away, out into the cold and I don't ever want to come back.
Sound familiar?
As we know, for every one of us that has the feeling of running away, there are actually many more that do, with the feeling simply overtaking and leaving little room for the repercussions. The impulse is there, it has been taken, and there is freedom from the persecution which your own mind has created.
Once out of the situation, the feeling continues for some time, leaving you with a crushing sense of remorse and guilt. Self-blame and unhappiness prevail as you contemplate a life with an illness out of your control. It truly is a terrible fate with origins sometimes stemming from childhood, stress, hormones, sometimes tragic life events and often clinical depression.
It is also extremely common with forums and helplines inundated with people needing to run away. Remember you are not alone, and I know just how awful this situation can be.
TRIGGER WARNING!
Quite often when I was extremely poorly I would be running away to end it all ,and it is my belief that is what drives people to suicide with an overriding compulsion to put an end to the situation that they are in. In hindsight, I was simply running away from myself, as once I was out of my dismal situation, I would sit in the car and think 'well what do I do now then?The feeling has abated, but its still there really, I just don't feel so overwhelmed! I'm still having the life-long battle with my own tortured self but I just needed to get away, I need to be 'quiet'. I need so much to be alone.
I need this silence.
With my own disorder in particular, I have learnt that female hormones cannot possibly metabolize in the presence of adrenaline and cortisol, so I really was in a situation out of my control. There was no possible way of recovery unless I had the silence and tranquillity needed, and I would urge any sufferers to do the same. It does and will pass if you allow yourself the space and room to breathe and gather you're thoughts, a quiet room for example. If you don't find that space, the sensory overload will trigger your fight or flight and the battle is lost as you escape anyway!
For those that don't suffer, until you have felt the overwhelming need and urge to run away, you can never comprehend it. It may even seem childish to you, selfish even, like a kind of childish tantrum that is impossible to understand. Well I can assure you it really is the most awful of situation, with no way out except the golden respite of silence. Judgment and ridicule will only lead to further remorse and guilt, with a possible exacerbation of symptoms, including insomnia and further depression. Family conflict will never be far away from the runner, and is often greatly misunderstood by those that are left behind.
To help your own feelings of fight or flight. I would recommend that you read 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle, which has helped me 'still' my mind enormously. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but he does explain how and why our minds have become so jumbled as we live in either the past or the future but never the present. This can lead to physical and emotional illness as our thoughts overwhelm us.
Don't forget to order your copy of my book 'I blame the Hormones' which explains perfectly why I needed to run away from it all and how I overcame it. The silence I've yearned for has finally arrived and it truly is amazing! You can download on PC, Smartphone, Kindle or I-pad and this powerful memoir could even save a life.
Blessings as usual.
Suzi, AKA Caroline Church.
Wednesday, 7 October 2015
Tuesday, 29 September 2015
The cure I've found for aches and pains and my experiment.
Greetings all. Firstly I am absolutely delighted by all the reviews I'm getting for my book 'I blame the hormones'! It makes such a difference when people take the time out of their busy day to write to me and give me feed back. It makes it all worthwhile and I know it helps others too, so thank you so much.
I want to also tell you about my ongoing battle with my aches and pains, particularly my restless legs which has almost driven me to distraction over the years and is a common complaint among us females! Even though the pains in my legs have reduced considerably since I had a hysterectomy (I've no idea why), I still suffer greatly, particularly if I'm over tired or stressed. Although it is a widely accepted ailment, very little is known about what causes it or why it happens. Aching joints and muscles really are a pain in the neck!
After another particularly restless night, I put out a post in a forum and asked other sufferers how they dealt with it and two things became apparent. It was suggested that low magnesium and iron were to blame, and I should increase my supplementation immediately. This of course I did, and within a week or so the sensations in my legs had ceased to exist . I felt far more energised which too was an added bonus, and I no longer suffered after exercising.
I can't tell you how relieved I felt because quite often I would have to sleep with my legs up against the wall to help with the pressure. This issue has plagued me since childhood where I would cry out in the night whilst my mum would simply say that it was 'growing pains' and was to be expected. Some forty years later I'm still suffering with the Postnatal and Pre-menstrual period quite often being agonising. Although I was sceptical, I was willing to try anything particularly as I was now in the menopause and had only had a brief respite after my operation.
Just too be sure that the supplementation of iron and magnesium wasn't the result of the placebo effect, last week I accidently purposefully ran out so I couldn't take them. I was desperate to see if I would go back to the dreaded aches and pains, and guess what? I did! Within a ten day period I had relapsed with the heaviness and dragging sensations in my muscles. I also have wrist pain and a tense neck along with a crippling sense of fatigue and lethargy. By Sunday I had truly hit a wall of exhaustion which even an afternoon nap couldn't shake off. Its truly dreadful and sometimes feels like the flu. I had conducted my own experiment with crippling results and M.E symptoms predominating.
I'm happy to say that yesterday, Monday, I had replenished my supplies of iron (I use Feroglobin or Floradix depending on my budget ) and I can immediately tell the difference some 24 hours later with no exaggeration. I also use a high end Magnesium with vitamin B complex and a fish oil three times daily. I also am a regular juicer and use Spirulina, Chlorophyll and wheatgrass which I take in powder form in my Nutri-bullet.
What seems to happen however, is once I feel better ,I forget how awful I felt, forget to take them and so the cycle goes on. I guess the way to do it is to put aside a time in the day to take them religiously and never stop despite the way one feels. When will I grasp it?
And is this not a familiar pattern with us buying an endless supply of minerals and vitamins and then not using them?
I need to take control, and so my time is now, at 9.30 with my morning coffee, come rain or shine and regardless of what my busy schedule is. I absolutely must make it a priority, as my experiment has shown. To not do so I have proved is detrimental to my health and completely ridiculous. I've also now promised to supplement my children, particularly as one approaches puberty and another is a teenager with the junk food diet that his age group so often consumes.
Thanks for reading and happy supplementation. I hope my experience helps you too with the dreaded aches and pains.
Suzi at www.iblamethehormones.com
I Blame the hormones is available now on Amazon, by Caroline Church
I want to also tell you about my ongoing battle with my aches and pains, particularly my restless legs which has almost driven me to distraction over the years and is a common complaint among us females! Even though the pains in my legs have reduced considerably since I had a hysterectomy (I've no idea why), I still suffer greatly, particularly if I'm over tired or stressed. Although it is a widely accepted ailment, very little is known about what causes it or why it happens. Aching joints and muscles really are a pain in the neck!
After another particularly restless night, I put out a post in a forum and asked other sufferers how they dealt with it and two things became apparent. It was suggested that low magnesium and iron were to blame, and I should increase my supplementation immediately. This of course I did, and within a week or so the sensations in my legs had ceased to exist . I felt far more energised which too was an added bonus, and I no longer suffered after exercising.
I can't tell you how relieved I felt because quite often I would have to sleep with my legs up against the wall to help with the pressure. This issue has plagued me since childhood where I would cry out in the night whilst my mum would simply say that it was 'growing pains' and was to be expected. Some forty years later I'm still suffering with the Postnatal and Pre-menstrual period quite often being agonising. Although I was sceptical, I was willing to try anything particularly as I was now in the menopause and had only had a brief respite after my operation.
Just too be sure that the supplementation of iron and magnesium wasn't the result of the placebo effect, last week I accidently purposefully ran out so I couldn't take them. I was desperate to see if I would go back to the dreaded aches and pains, and guess what? I did! Within a ten day period I had relapsed with the heaviness and dragging sensations in my muscles. I also have wrist pain and a tense neck along with a crippling sense of fatigue and lethargy. By Sunday I had truly hit a wall of exhaustion which even an afternoon nap couldn't shake off. Its truly dreadful and sometimes feels like the flu. I had conducted my own experiment with crippling results and M.E symptoms predominating.
I'm happy to say that yesterday, Monday, I had replenished my supplies of iron (I use Feroglobin or Floradix depending on my budget ) and I can immediately tell the difference some 24 hours later with no exaggeration. I also use a high end Magnesium with vitamin B complex and a fish oil three times daily. I also am a regular juicer and use Spirulina, Chlorophyll and wheatgrass which I take in powder form in my Nutri-bullet.
What seems to happen however, is once I feel better ,I forget how awful I felt, forget to take them and so the cycle goes on. I guess the way to do it is to put aside a time in the day to take them religiously and never stop despite the way one feels. When will I grasp it?
And is this not a familiar pattern with us buying an endless supply of minerals and vitamins and then not using them?
I need to take control, and so my time is now, at 9.30 with my morning coffee, come rain or shine and regardless of what my busy schedule is. I absolutely must make it a priority, as my experiment has shown. To not do so I have proved is detrimental to my health and completely ridiculous. I've also now promised to supplement my children, particularly as one approaches puberty and another is a teenager with the junk food diet that his age group so often consumes.
Thanks for reading and happy supplementation. I hope my experience helps you too with the dreaded aches and pains.
Suzi at www.iblamethehormones.com
I Blame the hormones is available now on Amazon, by Caroline Church
Thursday, 10 September 2015
Suicide prevention for all.
This week in the United Kingdom it is suicide prevention week and I would like to tell you how I helped 2 people who were both suicidal and in crisis emotionally. Its no secret to all of my followers that for most of my adult life I have had suicidal thoughts and urges through no fault of my own. For those that have read 'I blame the Hormones' you will know of my journey, what caused it and how it was resolved. Because of this , I am particularly interested in preventing suicide and helping people understand the causes and reasons why someone would want to die by suicide. I am cautious about using the words 'commit' because of the harsh undertones and associated stigma. I believe that the person who has passed was suffering from intolerable psychological pain and quite often had spent sometime, 25 years in my own case,desperately trying to survive. Suicide is not a personality flaw or a selfish act, but rather an ending to an ongoing and private battle that is quite often going on behind a mask of smiles, and quite often a dynamic personality. The late Robin Williams is a perfect example of this and this adds to the shock and confusion for those left behind.
Once I knew that my two friends were struggling, I asked them to bear me in mind if their suicidal impulses were too strong that they thought that they might cause themselves harm. I asked that they contact me as a matter of urgency and I would help them both which they did. Incidentally they had both made attempts before so I knew that they were both in danger and needed help with both of them showing signs of mental instability and illness.
So how did I do it?? What did I say?
The answer is I talked to them, lots. I talked to them about the trees and the woods and all things in nature. We spoke about how awful their illness is and how overwhelming the urges can be. We spoke about children and animals and I held their hands and told them I cared and that the feelings and urges would pass. In other words, I distracted them, and they knew that I would be here for them. I also asked if they wanted to go to hospital, (one did and one didn't) but I was able to contact the crisis team on their behalf and so help was now on the way. I passed the time in any way I could and we discussed all the good things about staying and not going away, even though sometimes its hard to find reasons to live in a world full of anguish. I told them that they might like to wait a while because after all you are a long time dead, so you might as well just stay for a bit longer and see how things work out! All of these things seemed to work, although the road for the suicidal is often complex and long. Quite simply we just chatted about our day to day lives and how we could change the outcome for them with all the things to live for. I was there for them, they knew I was there and the sense of isolation was over.
If you are suicidal and immediate danger I would simply pick up the phone. It maybe to a trusted friend, a family member or a crisis line (in the UK we have The Samaritans) for example. There are also forums online where you can talk things over anonymously and without judgement, quite often with someone that has been where you are. PICK UP THE PHONE. Go online, someone is there, someone will help always. Tell a friend, tell someone, even a stranger on the street that you feel unsafe and you need help urgently.
Incidentally, and to enable us to understand this awful tragedy taken by so many, the word that both of my friends used time and time again was TRAPPED. They felt trapped by their illness, trapped by their situation and had nowhere else to go with it. So of course this ending has nothing to do with dying at all, but an ending to an unendurable emotional pain with a sense of freedom in the subsequent oblivion that follows the suicide. A better place to be no less for the sufferer and his terminal pain, which of course isn't terminal anyway.
For further information for those touched by suicide, and to help prevent suicide, I would firstly read anything by Dr Edwin Schneidmann who studied for some 50 years and has written several books on the subject. He first coined the phrase 'psyche-ache'' and helped us to understand the frustrations felt by the sufferer and the sense of regret. Or contact Suicide.org who have a whole host of information and will help you if you can no longer cope and want to leave this world. And remember, someone somewhere loves you and even when you cant see it, they really really do. Make that call and wait a while ,is my advise to all.
The Samaritans-08457909090
Suicide Prevention-1-800-784-2433
Please, please share this blog today, it may help save a life.
Blessings as usual, Suzi.
'I blame the Hormones' is available now on Amazon and written under the Pseudonym of Caroline Church.
Once I knew that my two friends were struggling, I asked them to bear me in mind if their suicidal impulses were too strong that they thought that they might cause themselves harm. I asked that they contact me as a matter of urgency and I would help them both which they did. Incidentally they had both made attempts before so I knew that they were both in danger and needed help with both of them showing signs of mental instability and illness.
So how did I do it?? What did I say?
The answer is I talked to them, lots. I talked to them about the trees and the woods and all things in nature. We spoke about how awful their illness is and how overwhelming the urges can be. We spoke about children and animals and I held their hands and told them I cared and that the feelings and urges would pass. In other words, I distracted them, and they knew that I would be here for them. I also asked if they wanted to go to hospital, (one did and one didn't) but I was able to contact the crisis team on their behalf and so help was now on the way. I passed the time in any way I could and we discussed all the good things about staying and not going away, even though sometimes its hard to find reasons to live in a world full of anguish. I told them that they might like to wait a while because after all you are a long time dead, so you might as well just stay for a bit longer and see how things work out! All of these things seemed to work, although the road for the suicidal is often complex and long. Quite simply we just chatted about our day to day lives and how we could change the outcome for them with all the things to live for. I was there for them, they knew I was there and the sense of isolation was over.
If you are suicidal and immediate danger I would simply pick up the phone. It maybe to a trusted friend, a family member or a crisis line (in the UK we have The Samaritans) for example. There are also forums online where you can talk things over anonymously and without judgement, quite often with someone that has been where you are. PICK UP THE PHONE. Go online, someone is there, someone will help always. Tell a friend, tell someone, even a stranger on the street that you feel unsafe and you need help urgently.
Incidentally, and to enable us to understand this awful tragedy taken by so many, the word that both of my friends used time and time again was TRAPPED. They felt trapped by their illness, trapped by their situation and had nowhere else to go with it. So of course this ending has nothing to do with dying at all, but an ending to an unendurable emotional pain with a sense of freedom in the subsequent oblivion that follows the suicide. A better place to be no less for the sufferer and his terminal pain, which of course isn't terminal anyway.
For further information for those touched by suicide, and to help prevent suicide, I would firstly read anything by Dr Edwin Schneidmann who studied for some 50 years and has written several books on the subject. He first coined the phrase 'psyche-ache'' and helped us to understand the frustrations felt by the sufferer and the sense of regret. Or contact Suicide.org who have a whole host of information and will help you if you can no longer cope and want to leave this world. And remember, someone somewhere loves you and even when you cant see it, they really really do. Make that call and wait a while ,is my advise to all.
The Samaritans-08457909090
Suicide Prevention-1-800-784-2433
Please, please share this blog today, it may help save a life.
Blessings as usual, Suzi.
'I blame the Hormones' is available now on Amazon and written under the Pseudonym of Caroline Church.
Wednesday, 9 September 2015
Wednesday, 17 June 2015
Im back up and running!!
Hello folks , I'm happy to say I'm back up and running after a period of quiet reflection! I feel so sorry that I haven't been there for you, but for those of you that don't know me, I will be repeating my previous blogs over the next coming weeks in the hope that I can reach out to you and raise awareness of mood disorders.
Many of you will know me from the publication of my book 'I blame the hormones' and be familiar with me, but for those of you who haven't read it, please do so and give me your feedback. I'm always anxious to hear from any sufferers, particularly those that have suffered from Postnatal Depression, Pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder and any reproductive depression. I'm also in contact with two leading professors and am passing on any relevant findings, confidentially of course. I'm also on the board of directors at National association of PMDD and panel member of Action on Menstrual Psychosis which brings me to my next point.
Professor Ian Brockington who is one of the most interesting and kind individuals I have ever had the privilege to meet, has set up this panel in the hope of gaining extra insight and even extra funding . He has just come out of retirement, after years of helping poorly women and was the first doctor to set up mother and baby units in the UK. He has helped thousands of women and their babies and is passionate about researching the causes of reproductive mood disorders. I'm so grateful for his input in my life, his knowledge and compassion is humbling, and the newsletter he send me is extremely informative. If you are interested in his work you can find him easily enough on google where he has posted his latest papers and findings. He is also interested in case studies if you are willing to provide one.
I'm so thankful to be able to help this cause, to raise awareness and to help any sufferers I can. Please drop me a line, tell me your stories and share this page. It helps reach out to others, and could even save a life which is something that is very important to me
Blessings as always, Suzi, AKA Caroline Church.
Many of you will know me from the publication of my book 'I blame the hormones' and be familiar with me, but for those of you who haven't read it, please do so and give me your feedback. I'm always anxious to hear from any sufferers, particularly those that have suffered from Postnatal Depression, Pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder and any reproductive depression. I'm also in contact with two leading professors and am passing on any relevant findings, confidentially of course. I'm also on the board of directors at National association of PMDD and panel member of Action on Menstrual Psychosis which brings me to my next point.
Professor Ian Brockington who is one of the most interesting and kind individuals I have ever had the privilege to meet, has set up this panel in the hope of gaining extra insight and even extra funding . He has just come out of retirement, after years of helping poorly women and was the first doctor to set up mother and baby units in the UK. He has helped thousands of women and their babies and is passionate about researching the causes of reproductive mood disorders. I'm so grateful for his input in my life, his knowledge and compassion is humbling, and the newsletter he send me is extremely informative. If you are interested in his work you can find him easily enough on google where he has posted his latest papers and findings. He is also interested in case studies if you are willing to provide one.
I'm so thankful to be able to help this cause, to raise awareness and to help any sufferers I can. Please drop me a line, tell me your stories and share this page. It helps reach out to others, and could even save a life which is something that is very important to me
Blessings as always, Suzi, AKA Caroline Church.
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